My name is Randy "Rambo" Dickinvice, and I founded mailorderbeefjerky.com back in the winter of 79.
Unfortunately at the time of it's conception, the technology hadn't quite caught up to my ambitions. Mailorderbeefjerky.com started as a batch file that I manually uploaded to all the computers in my girlfriends elementary school computer lab. It was originally a sortof 'social networking' incentive. On the day my girlfriend dumped me for little Billy Stewart because he got a slip and slide for his birthday; and because she was embarassed when her friends saw her riding around with me in my white van; I realized that mailorderbeefjerky.com had a much larger destiny.
I began going door to door to all the pre-schools trying to peddle my jerked beef. After a few... close-calls, and yet to be proved allegations, the next phase was Beef Jerky by Faxâ„¢; which didn't last very long. Naturally the next step was mailing actual preserved beef.
At first I would just mail the beef jerky to a list of 10 friends, including one stick of beef jerky in each envelope. Those 10 friends would then mail 10 letters to 10 other friends, asking them to mail a stick to 10 more friends, and also the prior 5 senders. This went on for roughly 12 years upon which point I lost my home, my friends and family who had gotten tired of my borrowing money over the last 12 years, my car which had to be abandoned in a forest after a botched ...incident... and most of all my pride.
So there I was, moving from bus stop to park bench, living off of pinecones and the frogs unfortunate enough to fall underfoot during my near sub-human rage fits. This lasted roughly 16 years.
It was a day like any other, I rolled out of my used maxipad and pizza box bed, and began to scrounge for the latest morning paper; so that I'd have something clean to wipe my ass with. It was there I saw an ad for the new Victorias Secret collection and suddenly it was like I was 31 again, stealing my 12 year old girlfriends' parents' credit card to buy and then try to resell beef jerky from 7/11; All the old feelings were flooding back again! I could barely contain my excitement... This jerked beef ranger was back!
I couldn't believe how many years I'd lay dormant the dreams of running a successful mail-order beef jerky empire! I ran immediately to the nearest car, threw the owner to the ground, and hauled ass to Pennsylvania. I spent a short stint of time with the Amish to glean their ancient beef jerking techniques. Unfortunately it was their hatred of the technology I required to operate my mailorderbeefjerky business that enforced my departure, but not until I had rent every last f*cking secret from Grandma Coonie Buttersnatch.
I grabbed the nearest buggy to town and settled into an abandoned paper mill to begin finally realizing my lifes work. MAILORDERBEEFJERKY.COM!