| Nutrition Facts | % Daily Value | |
| Calories | 800,000 | who really gives a shit |
| - - : Calories From Fat | all of them | this is you checking out |
| Total Fat | 10 lbs | this is why sasquatch is pissed |
| - - : Saturated Fat | ( . )( . ) | show me your saturated fats |
| - - : Trans Fat | a lot | i don't even know what that is |
| Cholesterol | 2 gallons | 4,295% |
| Sodium | 4 bags | i can't feel my arteries |
| Total Carbohydrates: | < 1 g | i'd carb that ho'd right |
| - - : Dietary Fiber | 0 g | there's nothing dietary about beef jerky dude |
| - - : Sugars | 0 g | diabetic-friendly |
| Protein | 100% | Our beef jerky is 100% pro-teen, they make our meat firm |
| Vitamin A | 0 | let's face it, you're not in this for the vitamins.. |
| Vitamin A, Beta Carotene | 0 | gives me diarrheas |
| Vitamin C | 8 g | 4% ! only 25 servings to fight scurvy, or not, chicks dig green gums |
| Calcium | 0 | who needs strong bones when you're made of thick robust meat |
| Iron | 2g | 20% we actually made this part up, there's not really iron in the beef, that's icky. |